February 27-Weird Wednesday


I have created a fantasy world where things are far more interesting than normal reality. When I’m confronted with the boring, banal, tedious aspects of everyday life, I choose to reimagine them as more exciting and eccentric than they might appear to the average person. This aspect of my weirdness definitely makes me sound psychotic, so please let me explain.

I have to keep myself occupied and entertained, not with anything important mind you, but with whatever random thought or idea that can drive away the boredom for a while. For example, when someone tells you a story about something that happened to them, your brain naturally tries to figure out where the story is going before they finish, like you’re trying to guess how a movie you’re seeing for the first time will end. So when I’m listening to someone tell me a story, I might think they’re leading me down a path that’s really exciting and compelling, but it usually ends up in the same humdrum place it always does.

”So, we were out at the bar last night, and we were totally hammered, and my friend walks up to get another beer and stumbles into this huge, muscular guy and makes him spill his drink. The guy takes off his sunglasses (That’s right, in this story I pictured the guy wearing douchie sunglasses in a dark bar. And a ponytail in case you were wondering.) and squares off against my friend and says, “Watch it, man!” in this deep, gravelly voice. It looked like the guy was gonna kill him. . . . . . . but then the guy went back to his drink, my friend got his beer and sat back down. Crazy, right?”

NO!!! That’s not crazy, that’s barely a story! Come back to me when something actually happens. I thought you were going to say they got in this big fight a tore up the bar, not that I enjoy violence, but at least that would’ve been something. Or maybe the big guy would’ve had a little squeaky mouse voice, or he was drinking “Slippery Nipple” shots, or your friend got in a lucky shot that knocked out the big guy in one blow and your friend left with that guys girlfriend, or the two guys started to snap their fingers like they were in Guys and Dolls, or something, or ANYTHING!!! So when I remember that story, instead of remembering the version that actually happened, I’ll choose to remember one of my better, more captivating versions. I know that confrontation didn’t end in an epic Jackie Chan-style overly-choreographed fight scene through the whole bar and ending with the two becoming best friends forever, but isn’t that version better?

Have you heard a song and didn’t understand what the singer said? You kinda fill in the gaps to come up with lyrics you think might fit, but later you find out you were totally off? I was working in a kitchen and they played a Top 40 radio station all day. I’m running around prepping food and getting needed supplies, and this song keeps playing all the time, ‘cause that’s how Top 40 radio stations operate. The song was “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen, and it played at least 700 times an hour. As many times as I heard it, I couldn’t understand all the words since I was busy doing other stuff, so I thought during the chorus she was saying “Don’t call me maybe” instead of “So call me maybe.” That didn’t make any sense to me, and it shouldn’t because those aren’t the right lyrics, so to make sense of it I decided to believe the actress who played Maeby Fünke in Arrested Development, Alia Shawkat started a career in music after the show went off the air. She had since grown up and as she’s been going to clubs and walking around and guys have tried to hit on her, people have done what they often do to celebrities who are well known for a certain character they’ve played – people call the actor or actress by the name of their character. And there have been several times where Ms. Shawkat has been chatting with someone and given them her phone number, but only on the condition that they “Don’t call her Maeby.” Then she wrote a song about it and now I get to hear it on the radio. I knew then and I know now that’s not what that song is about and those aren’t the lyrics, but the thought of the actress who played Maeby coming out with a song called “Don’t Call Me Maeby” was just interesting and funny enough for me not to go crazy in that tough kitchen environment.

The major difference between me and a psychopath is that I actually know what reality is and choose to ignore it on purpose. That’s better, right?


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