May 22-Weird Wednesday

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I snore. I mentioned this in passing a couple days ago, but my snoring deserves the spotlight.

I’m not sure when it started, or how long I’ve been snoring, but I do know that it’s loud and obnoxious. I’ve said before that I probably have sleep apnea, which is often accompanied by snoring, but I haven’t been officially diagnosed. It does make sense though, since I’m often exhausted during the day and wake up a bunch of times at night. I’ve also been known to fall asleep during conversations, church services, movies, driving on road trips, training at my new job, and pretty much anywhere else it’s super-weird to fall asleep.

My mom and my grandpa both have sleep apnea, and growing up they were the most epic snorers you’ve ever heard. Whenever I would stay the night at my grandparents’ house I knew I was in for a rough night because every so often Grandpa’s snoring would get so loud the windows would shake like a low-flying plane was right over the house. Grandpa was also infamous for falling asleep while you were talking to him, though once you woke him back up he could recall everything you said while he was asleep. This was especially fun in the car. My cousins and I would play a fun little game we liked to call, “Keep Grandpa Awake So We Don’t Die.” (Seriously though, we were never in real danger. Grandpa has always taken really good care of us.)

Similarly with my mom, you could hear her snoring throughout the house, and when I got older and would stay out later at night, I could usually tell if I had snuck back in the house effectively if I could still hear her snoring. If I came in and she wasn’t snoring, that meant she was awake and I was done for. Thankfully both my grandpa and my mom have gone to the doctor and now have those Darth Vader masks they can wear while sleeping to give them the oxygen they need to get a good night’s sleep, and that has lessened their snoring significantly.

Unfortunately for my wife, I have gone through no such treatment; I still snore louder than a jackhammer night after night. It’s been especially bad for her since I’ve been sick. I’m mostly better now, but I still have that lingering cough that wakes me up through the night. It’s bad enough that I have to be up for it, but she has to be at work at 5:30 in the morning, so the last thing she needs is to be woken up every 20 minutes to the sound of me hacking up my lungs and snoring louder than an earthquake.

We have a pretty good system worked out, though. She goes to bed first and gets a head-start on sleep. I like to stay up later anyway and don’t have to get up nearly as early. I’ll give her an hour or so, then make my way to bed as well. Hopefully by the time I get there she’s sleeping deeply enough so she’s not awakened by all the unholy noises coming from me each night.

It’s a good thing she loves me.

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