I pick at my fingernails. Some people bite their nails, and I’ve never understood how they do that. Do they bite clear through the nail, or are they biting and tearing it like a dog with a piece of meat? I’ve tried and failed to bite my nails, plus as a germaphobe I’m too aware of the pestilence under fingernails to start biting at them. Licking fake cheese off of your fingers after finishing a bag of chips is one thing, but chewing underneath the nail where the demons of disease lie in wait is something I cannot abide. I admit the difference could just be in my head.
I have a problem with suspension of disbelief. Everyone has experienced this phenomenon; it happens when you’re reading a book, or watching a movie or TV show. The creators try to build a world where certain things happen, some things that might be outrageous or even impossible in real life, and as long as what happens in the story makes sense in that particular world, we as the observers and consumers of the story will “suspend our disbelief” and accept those things can happen and continue enjoying the story. Suspension of disbelief is necessary if we’re going to watch stories about people fighting with laser-swords, or swinging from buildings, or having ghosts mess with them, or doctors having enough time to talk for hours and sleep with each other between taking care of patients. As long as that activity makes sense in the universe the creators have built, we’ll go right along with it.
I think I’m a comedian. You’ve probably gathered this if you’ve read any of my other posts.
Regret is a funny thing; it can cripple you if you let it. Regret can make you focus on what could have been rather than what could still be and keep you from appreciating the good things all around you. I do have certain regrets, but that’s another post for another day. Since Weird Wednesday is supposed to be kinda funny (whether it actually accomplishes that is up for debate), I won’t go into that right now. I want to talk about the ridiculous things I regret; the things that don’t matter AT ALL that I actually feel a sense of loss about, at least for a moment or two.
I’m a nerd. To be more correct, I’m a geek. Today’s popular vernacular uses these terms interchangeably, but they are very different indeed. In my personal definition, a nerd is someone who is really smart and knowledgeable about a certain topic, most often a branch of science or math. A geek on the other hand, is someone who is really knowledgeable about a subject no one except other geeks care about. This would include, but is not limited to: comic books, science fiction, Star Trek, Star Wars, video games, movies (with horror movies being the geekiest), cartoons both foreign and domestic, fantasy games (think Dungeons & Dragons), definitions of meaningless words, or in general anything that provokes the reaction from other people to say, “Wow, what a geek.”
I’ve mentioned before that I like to play little games to help keep my brain interested during the duller parts of every day, and here’s another example.
I like to pretend I have super-powers, or maybe I can control The Force, but whatever you wanna call it, I have it, I’m powerful, and you should all kneel before me. I do this really anywhere that electronic devices turn on automatically. There are a few lights in the office where I work that are linked to motion sensors, so when anyone walks in front of it the lights turn on, then turn off again after a period of time when no one is around anymore. But when I walk into one of those rooms, I try to snap my fingers in the exact moment the lights turn on so I can pretend I did it with my awesome awesomeness rather than some boring motion sensor. I know that’s stupid but folks, it brings a smile to my face every time.
I’ll mix it up and throw in some more grandiose gestures depending what I’m super power I’m conjuring up at the time. If I’m waiting for an elevator that’s about to open, I’ll clap my hands together in the “Namaste” position, then bring them apart the same speed as the doors so it looks like I’m opening them. My favorite place to display my powers is the grocery store, because every grocery store now has automatic doors. With a sweep of my hand, the door slides open before me, or if someone’s walking in front of me I’ll be so kind as to open it for them, then throughout the whole store I’ll start humming Darth Vader’s theme from Star Wars. It doesn’t matter how many people are around, I don’t try to keep my identity a secret or hide behind a mask. Everyone should tremble at my tremendous power!
And before you think I’m stupid for doing this, remember that everyone has pretended they have super powers as an adult. While it’s true most of us don’t walking around with capes and try to fly off our parents’ roof, most of us have tried to use our powers while we’re driving around town. Be honest, you’ve wanted a red light to turn green so you blew at the light like Whoopi Goldberg in “Corrina, Corrina” and you were thrilled when it actually turned green at that exact moment. Whenever my brother-in-law drives through a yellow light, he’ll kiss the first two fingers of his right hand and then touch the ceiling of the car so the light won’t turn red before he’s through the intersection. The point is we’ve all done something like this before, so stop looking at me like that!
And as I’m traipsing through Meijer at 9:30 at night because we ran out of toilet paper, these are the types of thoughts that keep me sane, although I guess “sane” is a relative term.